Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I realized with a sudden jolt last night that the book I was reading at lunch as a source of comfort and inspiration had a completely different basis of belief about a person's control over their destiny than the book I was reading at bedtime for the same purpose. Yet oddly enough, I seemed to be buying into the implications and suggestions both books were offering.

This is not right I thought to myself. Either you believe that you determine your own destiny, and therefore must act in a way that creates the destiny you dream of, or you believe that whatever destiny has brought your way is exactly perfect for your soul's purpose in that moment, requiring acceptance and faith rather than resistance.

Or of course, the whole thing might be without any predetermination or influence whatsoever. Random.

I find myself wondering, should I be stubbornly picturing a happy future with a man I love as a means of directing that outcome, or accepting that if someone chooses not to be with me, it is probably better for me anyhow? Or accepting that I have zero/zilch/no control over the outcome and even over my feelings about the outcome?
My reading materials yesterday would take different sides in this debate. For some reason I seem to think I can surf all three possibilities. Imagine the best, recognize some dose of reality makes my odds of the best rather low, and justify the worst case scenario as the one which stands to teach me the biggest lesson. Adaptable aren't I? I likely slip and slide among them as they best suit my changing desires for comforting and control.

I suspect this is creating havoc with the universe, much like a remote control addict who can't alight on any one channel for more than a few seconds before pushing the button again.

I've received some particularly caring and heartening emails in the last two weeks, also coming from these many different premises, also wishing in the end for a combination of peace, happiness, and the possibility that my dreams might not be in vain. Stories where things worked out for others (thanks Alison). Visualizing things working out for me (thanks Moria). Hoping things turn out ok for me at the same time recognizing that even failure at love is still worthy (thanks Jan). Faith that things work out as they should (thanks Beth). Sharing that a larger force is affecting things in a certain way (thanks Leslee).

I trust all of them.

I'm coming to the conclusion I'm pretty ok with basic faith in an inexact combination here. Lucy from "Peanuts" would brand this wishy-washy I'm sure. Maybe opportunistic? But my experiences in the past seem to validate all three premises, and none of them with any surety.

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