Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tom asked in the comments about my stairway picture "Jumping to that first landing, do you end up in the situation where you have to turn back?"

Oh my god yes. Sometimes it involves apologizing profusely to others who thought it was wise to jump with me too. But more often, it seems to involve taking risks with my feelings where others assume I'm invulnerable, confident, capable of handling whatever f__k up I get myself into.

We are watching Star Wars at home right now, the original three movies (episodes 4-6) and if I was going to pick the character I'm most like, it's probably Han Solo. Sure let's take on the meteor shower, even though we haven't figured out what we'll do once we get in there. Bluff your way through to a cool landing on the meteor, and deliver everyone into the mouth of a monster. Cocky impulsiveness. Then the moment of doubt, and everyone looks at him like "ok, so how are you going to get us out of here?" so, what the hell, he improvises something else.

You want me to admit I leap too soon. But corner me and I'll tell you a hundred reasons to justify why jumping to the first landing was rational. Truth is, I went with the feeling and came up with good arguments later. Truth is, I hate having people figure out I made a bad choice. Truth is, I secretly wish someone knew I was terrified, or confused, or drunk. Truth is, I won't admit it. Will quickly make the second jump, before you have time to corner me. Truth is, I get lonely doing this. Truth is, both my best, and my worst decisions have been made without adequate information.

Truth is, I'm too impatient to send out a probe.

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