Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I've spilled tea on the living room rug. This warrants a "today is ruined" response this morning, admittedly I thought it might stain but now it has cleaned up easily and I can see how I jumped so quickly to that all-or-nothing sort of pattern that occasionally plagues my thinking. Plagues it most often when I am stressed, PMS or without enough sleep.

I got emails from three men "in my life" yesterday, none of which had the specific sorts of words I wanted to hear. That my ex-husband spent a good bit of time sharing a positive experience with my daughter is a real gift, and should have left me feeling valued and grateful for our ongoing open communication. That someone at work wanted to have breakfast with me should have left me feeling valued and hopeful for a new friendship. That I got an honest and guarded but positive response to a difficult request I made of the person I'm wrapped up in lately should have left me feeling valued and glad he's being direct.

Yup, I was disappointed anyhow.

K posted recently about faith, or more precisely, the difference between belief and faith. It gets me into trouble regularly. Wishing that things would be different means I have a belief that it should be a certain way. Having faith means I trust that all will be as it should be. I enjoy life a lot less when I believe in (meaning imagine or assume) certain outcomes. Of course, I can't forecast with any accuracy. Worse, when it doesn't match forecast, I sometimes discount it. I look for the clues, the specific messages from the universe, the right words, the things that tell me "life is good" and if they aren't there, well then life is not going well. I know better, really I do, but still fall back on the all-or-nothing version some days.

In circle Sunday we burned those things which we desired to leave behind as the winter darkness emerges into spring growth. There is a dimmer switch I am putting on joy when I try and force it to fit a certain form. The switch is controlled by fears I choose to embrace or deny. The switch needs to move from belief - which dims, to faith - which illuminates.

I suppose the first step is to have faith I can accomplish this.

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