Friday, July 16, 2004

Lots of good ideas in the comments on why it should be ok to cry.
I do cry in movies.  And at stupid commercials.  When I feel bad for others, and when I am bursting with pride over something my kids do.  Its not that I don't cry generally, I'm quite soggy in fact.  But not over my own problems.  I don't cry for myself.
I suppose this is not compassionate is it?  I'd like to say its a sign of strength, but more likely disconnection and fear.
If I allow myself to cry, it means many things I'd rather not deal with.
I'd have to summon up the whole list of sucky things that have happened and look right at them all. 
I'd have to cry for my failures and that's embarressing.
I'd have to cry for my unrealistic idealistic hopes that have been dashed, and for counting on the chickens before they hatched. 
I'd have to cry dealing with my inner voice screaming "it could be so much worse you wimp!"
I'd have to cry knowing no one would be there to say "cheer up you old sod."
I'd have to cry wondering if I'll know how to stop crying.
Truthfully, in the last few years it seems that I have drifted over that razor's edge line from coping adequately into depression with only a small nudge from the self pity department.  Pushing back from the edge more often comes from moving on to the next thing-being productive, doing something for someone else, and gritting my teeth.  
Thanks for all the supportive thoughts.  Its helped. 

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