Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Kurt over at The Coffee Sutras posted about relationships and time, which got me thinking about a book, called the Unimaginable Life , by Kenny and Julia Loggins (yup, that Kenny Loggins.) It is a book about finding a soul mate, but it is also a book about relating when our paths diverge and change, and an approach for doing so. Of course, now they are getting divorced too. I grew up in a family where my mother and father were together from almost the moment they met until my Mom died a few years ago, 56 years of strong, unwavering commitment. Then I got divorced, my choice to leave a relationship that didn't seem to have the capacity for my definition of love and relationship, and this excerpt is what seemed to make sense to me then.

“Maybe we need to reinvent marriage,” said Julia. “Maybe we need a whole new way of being in union. I know we can’t promise ‘forever’ to each other. It’s clear that only Spirit has the power over that one.”
“Our wedding ceremony would have nothing to do with appeasing the ghosts of our past, no tokens of sacrifice to the demons who would wish to hold us hostage. It was about rewriting the future, our commitment to each other, and our individual spiritual paths…..In most cases, I suspect the promise of forever comes from the fear of an uncertain future. It’s my experience that the only real answer is trust—trust in the compassion of the Spirit (a.k.a. God).
(Kenny now writes) "I see that when relationships are centered around the concept of security, then decisions get made that sacrifice the emotional needs of the individual in lieu of “protecting the security” of the agreement. But if the emotional and spiritual growth of the individual is viewed as the primary focus of the relationship, then security can be redefined in the form of trust—that my love is a gift from Spirit and is not based upon my performance, that what serves my heart will serve everyone on the relationship. I refuse to build our new marriage on the fear of losing each other. Because that fear would inevitably require one or both of us to stop growing emotionally, for fear we might “grow apart. ” I must trust Spirit, and that includes accepting the possibility that Julia’s spiritual path might someday take her away from me. But I truly love her, so I want her to become all of who she was born to be.”"

This then is the vow Julia makes as she takes ~off~ the gold ring and slips it into the river: “With this ring I set you free. You are free to follow your heart, your Spirit, to wherever you need to go for your highest good. I trust the Spirit that brought you to me. Only by knowing you are free can you make the decision to be fully here, where I will always love you…..”

Do you think commitments can weather the changes that come in our emotional and spiritual growth? What sort of commitment? Is unconditional love a realistic expectation from a partner?

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